Exvangelical

Given the state of things right now, I thought I'd write a post about my relationship with my religion.

Or, rather, my former religion.

My family has very deep ties to Christianity. Pretty much my entire family history is connected to Christianity. As far as I know, I have no Jewish blood anywhere on my family tree.

I grew up in the church. I never became a full-fledged member until I was baptized in my early to mid-teens (I can't remember how old I was exactly if that tells you anything). Both my mother and my grandmother had very strong relationships with the church and its members. Now, I'm speaking of a specific church down in Florida as well as the Church in general. 

I pretty much never really knew anything else. We were Non-denominational, evangelical, Protestant Christians. Naturally, I was exposed to the rhetoric of the beliefs of the Evangelical community.

I used to think I was pretty open-minded as I grew older. The whole "love the sinner, hate the sin" rigamarole we're taught in the church. And people treated you with kindness and respect... as long as you fit the mold that the Church wanted you to fit. 

I began to chafe at this restrictiveness as I grew out of my teens and into young adulthood. I still maintained a lot of the deep and long held beliefs that I was taught: other religions are bad, we're the only 'good' religion. Anyone who wasn't a Christian was inherently wicked and up to no good. Anyone in the LGBT+ community was icky and untouchable.  

I was a bit insular and never really met anyone who was outside of that same ethic. All I ever knew was the church. It was my biggest (and pretty much only) social group. Even while in undergrad, I still gravitated toward the Christian campus groups. It was all I knew. And being painfully shy and socially awkward, I didn't venture much out of my comfort zone. 

Once I graduated and eventually found work, I still went to church, like a good girl and still barely inched a toe out of line. I hadn't really begun to seriously question my sexuality at that point. I just thought my disinterest in a relationship was due to my pathological shyness. I held to the belief that I had to be a 'good Christian girl' and marry and squeeze out babies in the name of the Lord, even though I grew more and more disinterested in doing either. 

Still, something nagged at me in the back of my mind. Endless contradictions. Like what Jesus had said didn't really align with what most of the church was saying. Jesus said, "love your neighbor as yourself." The church was saying, "Except those who don't fit the Evangelical mold." That didn't seem right to me. Some of the things people would say, wouldn't sit right with me.

Now came the time when we moved out of state and away from the church I had spent almost 30 years in. Ironically, we moved to a more conservative area than where we were. For the first year, things were pretty much status quo, then I became more and more aware of my sexuality and politics and a lot of the things that the Evangelical Church believed in, I no longer did. 

I still had my faith in God and Jesus, just the actions of those who wore the name "Christian" didn't feel right. Especially after the 2016 election. There was a large disconnect between my personal beliefs and what I had grown up with. I just couldn't live this way anymore.

We tried a few churches once we moved, but nothing felt right to me. Not anymore. I have yet to go back. A part of me doesn't want to. I'm too progressive now. And more and more, as I see what the Evangelical Church is doing and saying to those of us who are marginalized and trampled on, I don't like what I see. It leaves a bad taste. And I don't think Jesus would like it either. 

I no longer call myself a Christian. It's been tainted for me. I am a Christ-follower. I follow Him and His words and actions. And I believe the Spirit of God is all around me and infused inside His creations, human, animal, mineral, and ethereal. 

I give positive thoughts and blessings to those of you who have been hurt by the Evangelical Church and its followers. I hope you can heal. While I haven't been hurt as much as others have, I've been stung and I'm still trying to come to terms with that. The tendrils still run deep and I'm dealing with the holes they've left behind.